86. Still working on it

So, it’s the usual excuses, blah,blah,blah been meaning to write a blog for ages but life got in the way and all that stuff. In fact there have been many thoughts jostling for attention and wanting to get themselves into a blog, but getting around to organising them at a sensible time (as in, not in the ridiculously early hours) has been a touch difficult. However, in the spirit of Paul Loomans (see Blog #85) and his intuitive to-do lists, and also best-selling author Hugh Howey (write when the passion strikes you) I did actually get up at silly o’clock to write this. I read the last blog just to catch up on anything relevant and realised with great delight that I’ve totally embraced Paul’s wise words and they are effecting tiny but very important changes. I also chuckled greatly at the resolution to write shorter blogs more frequently. Er-hem. Moving on….

Something that has arisen pretty frequently throughout the blogs is the issue of being a control freak. Going through the whole cancer experience brought home pretty forcibly that the only thing I really have any control over is my own attitude. Fast forward five years (yes, I can’t believe it either) and I think I’m finally starting to get it. I’ve realised that in my case it’s like a defense mechanism – a worry that if things don’t go according to plan I need to have a back-up plan B – and through the years it’s got completely out of control. In the last few days we’ve been juggling various diverse arrangements involving several different parties, often with only a short space of time between each of them and there was a very real risk of them clashing at certain points. Like the guy who’s coming to look at the piano we’re selling would be falling over the friend fitting the hall carpet. The kind of thing you quite possibly wouldn’t even worry about but which could potentially keep me awake at night. Obviously we didn’t plan it that way, but that was the way it was turning out. I was talking it through with Stephen when I realised that for about the umpteenth time this week I was working through a whole load of potential scenarios in my mind, which was a) pointless and b) exhausting. So I stopped. I stopped creating a whole drama out of something that might never happen. And you know what? It worked, and the drama didn’t materialise. The universe had it sorted and all I had to do was get out of the way. That’s definitely progress.

And I also realised that control-freakiness and lack of patience are sort of the same thing. I’m incredibly impatient and excited about getting my next book out (thankfully nothing to do with cancer), but there are several factors beyond my control which are causing some delay, so I just have to accept that it will be ready when it’s ready and not before. I’ve discovered that knowing that but still being impatient and truly living it with genuine acceptance are completely different things, and I’m cautiously optimistic that I’m slowing growing towards the latter, which is a lot less vexatious to the spirit. My lovely mum would be so proud because she always said I was at the back of the queue when patience was handed out.

I’m also peaceful about the fact that although I got up early to write in the tranquility of pre-dawn, it has taken me over an hour to write just about 600 words (most of which aren’t the ones that were rocketing around in my head) due to three cats alternating fighting or pestering for food as they’re not used to me being up so early. But then that’s achieved one of the objectives set out in Blog #85 which was to write shorter blogs. So in the words of Julian of Norwich, “All shall be well, and all shall be well, and all manner of thing shall be well.”

Wishing you a peaceful and stress-free weekend

Margaret xx

 

 

 

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About Margaret Cahill

After diagnosis of Mantle Cell Lymphoma in 2013, I started this blog to stay in touch with friends, family, and and an ever increasing network of lovely people who sent me healing. The readership increased and I ended up blogging for all I was worth to try and stay sane through the chemotherapy and stem cell transplant. Then after I went into remission (thankfully) I was enjoying the writing so much that I have carried on, and the blog seems to have become a bit of a resource for people, which is lovely. The original year of blogs have now been made into a book, Under Cover of Darkness: How I Blogged my Way Through Mantle Cell Lymphoma. It fills in a lot of the gaps between the blogs, and the tone falls somewhere between graveyard humour and explicit details of chemo treatments. I do hope you enjoy it :-) Mxx
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